Hi there, some of you may know me,
I’m basically every Conservative MP
I come here tonight to tell you that I did not descend from Heaven
I was raised up! I was one of you!
(Well, not one of you. Or you. Or…you).
I was voted in! But not by you!
(Mostly other people’s parents and those people you hate in Facebook comment threads).
But set all that aside.
Tonight, I’ve come to give you the greatest gift of all.
Why, I remember when I received my first one,
Just a boy, dreaming Conservative dreams,
(Big, but you know, not big)
I scampered down the stairs of our family home to the tree!
I tore of the package, what could it be?
The gift of all gifts!
A shiny, foil, green-scented
Ooohhhh. Hear those words…
It’s as good as cash if you’re one of the Haves,
And if you’re a have-not, then keep working!
One day you’ll get your own!
(Try getting an internship at your dad’s business,
Or going to university. Don’t worry about those student loans).
I grew and grew, PC boy to PC man,
Elected to follow a PC plan,
I’m living proof of the Conservative life!
Conservative smile, conservative wife…
(It’s okay, she says she’s into small government)
It’s not the size, it’s how you use it, and we need to use a government that’s small,
So it can fit!
Into your home!
Into your phones!
Into your bedrooms!
(My friend’s cousin’s roommate said there could be terrorists in there).
I know it’s awkward sometimes.
I know we’re not always welcome.
But we can make it aaaaallll better.
With just two words: tax cut.